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My difficult MtF transition & where I am at now.

It has been seven years since I first started my transition from male to female. It is very hard for me to look back, and objectively see any positive change. My transition, like many others, was difficult with several heart breaking, surgical setbacks. I began my transition in Zocolo, Mexico City in 2000. During my transition, and my six-month stay in Mexico City, as a ritual of comfort and self-affirmation, I would frequently buy myself a bouquet of long stem red roses. They were incredibly cheap and really made me feel good. They seemed to represent the greatest virtues of both being female and of Mexico. Coincidently, I think these two make a phenomenal combination.

Mexico is a passionate, loving society and the women of Mexico have a unique feminine beautify and charm that I hoped would somehow rub off on me. But, in all truth, while in Mexico, I had to buy my own bouquets of flowers. There was no one else to buy them for me. I was desperately alone without any real support, and encouragement. It was truly a difficult time. I knew of no one else that was going through what I was experiencing. I was not connected, in any way, to any transgender social action or support group, and was repeatedly told by former friends and family that I was suffering from religious-moral deficit issues, and not medical-psychological issues. I was being told by family, friends, and society that I was a freak, and even a sexual pervert, so back then, I had to buy bouquets of red roses for myself.

After undergoing 22 different surgical procedures and being under general anesthesia 10 times over the past seven years, four different people have stopped by my office at work, hear in Korea, to give me bouquets of flowers, for no particular reason; one of them was a dozen long stem red roses that reminded me of my past Mexican ritual of comfort and self-affirmation. There have been many medical and surgical setbacks, there have been many disappointments, and there have been many truly frightening times, but today others are buying bouquets of red roses for me. How delicate and beautiful they are! They so inspire me. They are so fragile, and delicate. And they only last such a short time.

Icarus Wings

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