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  Letter from Kristen

i am getting ready to take some scary steps.

i know, now, that i am transgender.

i have been essentially trying to kill myself with indiscriminate gay sex in total secrecy.

i may be hiv+ - but i don't think so.

if i don't come out - i think it is virtually certain i will end up hiv+

i am married. i need to get divorced - i treasure my wife - but i'm not sure i can deal with her take on all of this.  she really needs the stability of a much more gender confident traditional male.

i want to always be her friend. she is my best friend. i don't want to pretend to be "the man" anymore, though.

i just want to go away to a friendly and warm place - and become real.

i have gynecomastica. always have. Was asked by younger brother and friend "Why do you have breasts?" at 8 years old.

tried to hide breasts by improvising corset with belts to wear new shirt to go out to dinner with family. a little brother saw and told. recriminations about "my fat problem".

"Look! They both have BREASTS!" - exclamation of some asshole tough kid when I entered Teen Club with my first real girlfriend. It was maybe the third "date" of my life - approximately 14 years old.

Now - 37(!) years old. locked into guilt obsessed marriage with a spoiled Catholic girl - who adores me - cuz I am so obedient and nice.

I love my breasts now - after all of this time I have come to treasure them.

this all started to build in subtle ways. a strange attraction and comfortable feeling with TG porn - thanks to the net. finally putting my foot down and starting to wear an earring again - provided wife could select it. once again foot put down again with wife - I want LONG hair again.